Because Of You
by Areli-Kokuchi
Summary: Songfic to Kelly Clarkson Song. Draco's thoughts on hearing the song. About Lucius. Mild unrequited HPDM.


Draco's thoughts on hearing the song Because of you by Kelly Clarkson.

A/N: He is actually having these thoughts as he is hearing the song, some lines bring back flashbacks, it just takes longer to describe the memories than it is to remember them. And some lines making him think of certain feelings. So if you read it (paying attention) and then read it again with the song playing, you will be experiencing it in a better way.

_I will not make the same mistakes that you did_

I don't want to, but what else am I meant to do? I can't **not** become a death eater, not without being disinherited and having assassins sent after me. Probably from both sides.

_I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery_

Too late for that. I'm already in the worst possible position.

_I will not break the way you did you fell so hard_

_I've learned the hard way to never let it get that far_

And I'll try not to let it get as far as you let it. I just have no idea how.

_Because of you_

_I never stray too far from the sidewalk_

I get near-perfect grades, my only slight weakness in DADA. I am expected to marry the Parkinson girl, and probably will. I will grow up to be the ruthless head of the Malfoy estate and a right hand man to the 'Dark Lord'. I have shown hate and disdain to Harry Potter.

_Because of you_

_I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt_

I have never strayed.

And yet I am still not making you happy.

_Because of you_

_I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me_

Hard? I don't find it hard. I don't trust. At all.

_Because of you_

_I am afraid_

_I lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out,_

'Point it out' seems like such a soft idea compared to what you did to me if I 'strayed'. I still tense if someone moves their hand too fast.

_I cannot cry, because I know that's weakness in your eyes_

When I was six and broke my arm in three different places, and you yelled at me and beat me for crying, when a **Malfoy **would **never** cry. The healers were so shocked to see a child with a broken bone who didn't shed a tear, even when they cast the spell that was so painful I thought my arm would fall off. Only one person has seen me shed a tear since. I've made sure you didn't find out though.

_I'm forced to fake a smile a laugh, every day of my life_

Yeah, everything is faked, every sneer, every hurtful comment, every movement is thought about carefully to make it more convincing.

_My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with,_

Too true, I can't even describe it as my heart breaking when he sends sneers and hurtful comments back, making absolutely sure I know he could never feel the same way, because how do I know if I truly love him? I have no idea what it is like to be loved. So how can I say I love?

_Because of you_

_I never stray too far from the sidewalk_

I have never strayed from the Slytherin image. In fact, I'm kind of their leader. It's so . . . wrong.

_Because of you_

_I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt_

Well, as safe as possible, I know I'll get punished and hated and hurt whatever I do. And why? Because of my bloody name! Because I'm **your **child! Whatever I do! Whether I join Voldemort or declare myself a supporter of the light. Someone will always come after me. Someone from either side. Whatever side I'm on, both will fe no regret in killing me. I doubt I'll make it to thirty.

_Because of you_

_I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me_

Yeah. I don't actually trust anyone. Wow. That's a depressing discovery. I trust no-one. Not even myself. Istop myself going down certain trains of thought beacuse it would be so easy for someone to use vertaserum or legimency.

_Because of you_

_I am afraid_

_I watched you die_

_I heard you cry_

_Every night in your sleep_

_I was so young_

What kind of parent takes their only child to watch them being tortured? And then stands there uncaringly as their **child** is tortured? I was FIFTEEN!

_You should have known _

_Better than to lean on me_

Should have known better . . . that almost made me laugh.

_You never thought of anyone else_

Never, not your wife, you child, no-one.

_You just saw your pain_

Yes, your whole life is revolved around avoiding pain for yourself and accumulating as much wealth and power as possible.

_And now I cry in the middle of the night _

_For the same damn thing_

I find it funny sometimes; almost every boy in our year puts silencing charms around their bed before going there at night to do 'private things'. I think I'm the only one who doesn't do it for **that** reason. Not that anyone will ever know.

I've only once allowed a real emotion outside me when I wasn't protected by curtains and a silencing charm.

Look how that turned out. I almost died.

_Because of you_

_I never stray too far from the sidewalk_

The singer is amazing. She's showing emotion in a way I would never dare. And I find myself disgusted at myself because the part of me you raised is looking down on her for showing unhappiness and anger at whoever she's actually singing the song at. I think it's her father.

_Because of you_

_I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt_

That's how you brought me up. 'Be on the winning team'. Too bad I think Harry's gonna win. No . . . I hope, pray and **completely believe** he will. And I honestly don't care if he kills me or you in the process.

_Because of you_

_I try my hardest just to forget everything_

Maybe if I survive this, Harry wins, and, if there's any justice, you die, I'll obliviate myself and start a new life with the Malfoy money to pay for it. Probably in the Muggle world or on the other side of the Earth. I feel really bad that I felt disgust at the prospect of living among muggles. They aren't that bad. Well, there's no reason to torture and kill them at any rate.

_Because of you_

_I don't know how to let anyone else in_

Not that they'd want to. I only want one person, and if they wanted me back I'd probably say no, he's too damn **good** for me to feel ok with tainting him with the Malfoy name.

_Because of you _

_I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty_

Empty . . . that **is** a good word for my life. Empty of a parental figure, empty of friends, empty of love.

_Because of you _

_I am afraid_

Too afraid to do anything, to ask Dumbledoor for help, or to just kill him. And in doing nothing, I'm only making everyone hate me more.

_Because of you_

And I deserve it.

_Because of you

* * *

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_A/N _Please review. This is the first depressing thing I have written and I need to know if I should be writing more! is it good? Should I do more songfics or try and just be inspiried by songs then not include the lyrics? Should I leave the angsty/depressing style and write more humor? Shoud I write another Draco/Harry depressing story?

I'm sorry that a load of authors beg for reviews and I'm joining them, but if you don't I will feel very unloved! And Sad. :(

So review!!


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